Accepting but unsatisfied.

keep me from drowning

My mind is in a state of confusion. I'm unable to comprehend the actions of others. Is it just me? Am I procrastinating my very own existence? I want so much but yet I stand still. My feet refuse to move another step. I think about things so much and I know what is needed of me yet I dare not. How can that be? I've prided myself in being able to adjust and accommodate changes yet the smallest test of faith leaves me quaking.
I wished for something. I made my request known. But now, that I've gotten what I wanted, I feel less worthy. It is as if my weakness over powered me in accepting it. No, it was not my weakness. It was my emotions. I felt bad accepting it. Did I really deserve it? The bearers of my gift gave me my request willingly, but made me know that I need to improve. My life needs to be bucked up, they said.
I feel ashamed. I feel like I do not deserve it. I know my life needs to be improved. Part of me tells knows very well what I need to do but I am still stuck here. As if my feet were cemented to the ground. I cannot move. I dare not move. I am scared. I am not afraid of the challenges. I'm petrified of the final out come.
Someone please help me. Lend me a jack hammer. Break this concrete that has held me in this position for so long. I want to be free. To soar once again, like I used to do many life-times ago.