my idiosyncrasies

my idiosyncrasy. why? i don't really understand it myself but i have to do it. today ends a long chapter in my life. tomorrow i choose to begin anew. i need it more than you know. i'm tired. sick and tired of going around in circles and ending up no where. my father told me last night that i like to procrastinate. maybe i like procrastinating. i don't know. this journey i start tomorrow, i call it a pilgrimage. i have chosen to give up the current life i lead. cut myself off from my usual duties. don't get me wrong. i'm not giving up my life for good. its just for a while so that i can focus on the important things in my life and get back in focus of what i want to achieve in my life. i cannot go on wondering "what if". i cannot go on if i have no purpose. so i guess, for the next month or two i'll be gone. no more rock climbing, hanging out late or clubbing. i shall also abstain myself from cigarettes. yes, thats right. i know i've said it before that i want to quit. i know its not easy quitting. but i need to try. i feel like i need to cleanse my insides. clean it of all toxins and crap that i've stuffed myself with over the years. so i bid you farwell. this is my idiosyncrasy.

Celebration

the clouds grew darker as the time to leave approached. gathering up my stuff, my brother and I left the house. just as we got into the taxi it started to rain. lucky me. i wasn't really in the mood to get my suit wet. making a short detour in order not to get stuck in traffic, we arrived at our destination. singapore expo. riding the escalator up to the second floor i made sure my clothes were in order and my suit wasn't crumpled. most of the equipment had already been set up. walking on to the stage, i picked up my mike and tested it. "mic test 1, 2, 3". good working condition. leaving the mic, i took a slow walk to coffee bean. needed my daily dose of caffine. holding on to my latte, i made my way back to the hall. soon it will be time to start. and so it did. for 2 and a half hours the celebration went on. its was good. rogughy 1000 people stood before me. it wasn't about me though. it was about HIM. the great and mighty one. it was good to be among all these people together in union, having only one thing on their minds. today we celebrated the end of a 40 day journy. tomorrow we begin our new found life.

out on a limb

why is it that its the people you care about the most will be the ones to hurt you the most. it is because the strong feeling we share and when the person does something to hurt you its feels even worse. i don't know. i was in a bad mood last night at work. i won't go into detail of why i was upset. however, i left my work place in an upset manner. so on the bus ride home i told my girlfriend that i was upset and why i was upset. this morning, when i sms-ed her, she was in a bad mood. apparently she's angry with how i had behaved the night before. she said that i made it sound like it was her fault that i was angry. honestly, how could someone ever come up with a conclusion like that. i talked to you about me being upset and stuff because you are my GIRLFRIEND. i never blamed you and i definitely did not say its your fault. all i did was tell you that i was angry with some of my friends at work. i was sharing my problems with you. aren't couples supposed to do that. but no, after i told you i was angry with some of my friends at work, it suddenly became its your fault i'm angry. why in the world would i think its your fault that i'm angry with the guys at my work place? and how in the world can you come up with the notion that i was blaming you when all i did was share with you my problems. i can't fcking understand. well, since you still want to be angry at my because all of a sudden you think i was blaming you last night then fine.

Losing it.

Withered and dry on the brink of existence I float,
Upon a pane of blue glass where the earth touches the sky.
My fingers, hand, arm are all numb. I can feel no more.
I feel as light as a feather. My head is spinning but I'm not dizzy.
Is this depression that I'm going into? Am I going crazy?
I try to move but its pointless. I am too weak to cry out.
I see a bright light at then end of the tunnel. Is it for real?
I open my mouth to scream. Silence. Nothing but silence.
The sky had turned dark and the moon and stars come out.
Wish upon a star they say. Bullshit, I say!
I am helpless. Floating in every direction. I have no control.
Is there anyone out there who can save me?

It begins.

I have gone through life trying not to create waves. But there are times when I do make wave, big waves, but its not cos I chose too. I seem to conveniently find myself in situations where I need to make a choice. Choices can be a bitch sometimes. Always has pros and cons. Well, I've come to another chapter in my life where I have to make a choice. Luckily this time it will not be due to a situation or someone. Its about me. There is something I need to do. Something inside of me is screaming to be set free. I'm scared! I don't know what the final out come will be like and I don't know if I'll like what I see. All I know is that it has to be done! For me, not for anyone else but only me.